I'm in the reading room, so in English.

I'd rather quote: '总有些事是你不需要做错就可以搞砸的.' I can't agree more. Nowadays, when i say yes to people, they get angry; when I keep my opinion, they fed up again. To be honest, I hurt people. To be compromised, I hurt people.

Sometimes, not always, I lost my principles and felt like shit. That happens when I try to be kind to others and try to consider their feelings. But that's not what I want, that's not me. If there has to be a rationale to construct my life while I couldn't follow it in practice, I'd rather quit this life. Just sometimes, I couldn't keep myself away from this kind of thought.

What is the core thing in a relationship? Basicly I'll never figur it out. But today when I woke up alone, cooked a fantastic breakfast for myself and recaffeenaited, I got a totally recovery. Then, I suppose it's wise and good for me that not to pay any expectation to all my cournterparts. If do so, maybe I can keep my own zone and amazed by them all the time. Oh, I have to try this, it sounds perfect.

Next time, If people say, you should do this, you should do that, or show their faces to me because their own troubles, I'll just ignore them.

Elva was half right. Men can never manipulate women.

In order to be incredible and keep the sense of superiority, I can be very masculine in a way :)

是我自己活得过于用力了，想问题也太过用力了。放松下来，困了就睡，睡醒继续放松。永远觉得自己不够好，那么，就承认自己不够好并且维持现状。然后我发现居然什么都没有改变，我的意思是说，天并没有因为我突然承认自己不够好但是我这一刻不想继续拼了，就放雷劈我。相反的，各种事情反而顺利起来。

比如把压力都放下倒头睡好一觉，早晨爬起来，看到半夜3点从东京发来的邮件说我论文计划书的每一个部分都非常好，好到对项目计划书来说已经足够了。这个时候，尽管之前一天另外的教授说我计划书必须增加至少2页的文本否则不让我pass，我也觉得无所谓了。让我再加100页都成。

比如周六之前所有论文都要定稿，可我有两篇论文到目前为止还一个字都没写（之前的思路甚至研究课题全部作废），也觉得无所谓了。不知道为什么，放松下来以后，反而有这样的错觉：时间很充裕。

比如因为不想“braving the tempest”了，所以把咖啡红牛止疼片全都停掉，只喝热水和柠檬绿茶，吃猕猴桃鸡蛋培根和黑面包，身体负担反而变轻了。

再比如，事实证明，我可以不断地改变自己的生活态度和方式，这不是谁都能做到的。

我向你们道歉。我真的没有任何要攻击的意图，但是我的行为和言论让人感到很不舒服。责任在我。是我自己情绪不好，而自己却意识不到，所以对你们造成了各种程度的伤害。我对自己很失望。我知道你们是爱着我的，关心我的，我却伤害到了你们，或者至少让你们很担心我。真心地，想你们道歉。

我会试着让自己健康起来的，我不知道要具体怎么做，但我会尽自己最大的努力。谢谢你们一直以来对我的包容。今后也请继续包容我。（请无视最后一句话）

我昨天只完成了一篇论文。抱歉。

失眠好几天了，发低烧，论文进行不下去，越着急情况越糟。刚才吃了5个pancake，躺在床上辗转反侧无缘无故地继续失眠，窗外的月亮很刺眼，加上我的窗帘是透明的，情绪非常不好。然后想通了。凭什么老子要被各种阴影压得上不来气。
他妈的。
要让你们活在本大爷的阴影里。